


Flawed Logic

by Darkest_Symphony



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: M/M, SubKam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 13:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6986314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkest_Symphony/pseuds/Darkest_Symphony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sakurazukamori Subaru decides to make Kamui accept a harsh truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flawed Logic

The atmosphere between them used to be filled with the almost therapeutic aftermath of shared grief and secrets, mixed with affection, companionship and sometimes, even tender hopes for a better future.

But at times, other things would surface with little or no warning.

The deeper side of their hearts. Conflicting wishes. The need to be hurt.

Attraction, born from nothing but the unholy darkness around them.

Kamu catches himself thinking horrific things after their more intimate moments together. He asks himself if intercourse actually counts if it’s little more than wanting to feel a stranger’s hands on his body instead of his own. He wonders if what they share is something destiny watches in pride but in reality is abnormal and hollow within, prone to caving in on itself, like empty eggs or mould infested trees.

His own thoughts sicken him. To keep them far away, Kamui makes sure that sex is violent and invasive for himself. It blocks out everything in his mind and leaves him too exhausted and unsteady to remember even his own name. 

One night, they finish the act with Kamui shivering against the wall and Subaru’s arm hooked around his waist to hold him up.

He can’t exactly see, but feels Subaru raise a hand and forgetting that it's over, flinches away before he can suppress the reaction.

“I’m sorry-“

“It’s all right,” Subaru murmurs and wipes away the moisture that’s formed on his neck. He begins to disengage himself after he does, but Kamui seizes the arm resting against his abdomen, arresting the movement.

“Wait, please.”

Subaru doesn’t ask or say anything, just wordlessly obeys, and Kamui frantically tries to use the stolen time to search an intangible universe for something, anything, though he isn’t sure what it is that he wants.

And maybe they’re more similar than Kamui already thinks they are, because Subaru seems to read his very intentions.

“Kamui….”

“No. Don’t say anything.”

Despite his state of heightened emotion, Kamui notices that both their hands are covered in painful red marks from holding onto each other so tightly. From experience, he knows that they won’t fade for hours. 

Subaru pulls away, takes him by the shoulders and firmly turns him around.

“Understand this,” he says, his voice quiet, and Kamui is forced to look into those mismatched eyes, “I will never hold back in shielding you from danger. Even so, I can't allow myself to return what you've always given me.”

Kamui lets his eyes slide to the side, nodding quickly and trying to stop his cheeks from burning, but the older man raises his face and makes him look.

“Did you hear me?”

“You don’t have to love someone to want to protect them,” Kamui repeats, keeping his tone even. He’s afraid that they’re going to actually talk now, that he won’t be able to control himself as he’s pierced over and over again…

But the end comes quickly.

Somehow, his words seem to stun Subaru. His eyes widen and for one heartbeat, gold and green both reflect the same shock as Kamui wonders if he’s said something dangerous. He quickly runs through the words in his mind, wondering why-

-You don’t have to love someone to want to protect them.

His logic is flawed, he realizes then. The inverse cannot be. 

Because apathy towards someone you strive to protect….is impossible.

Kamui understands and now, it's his turn to forget how to breathe.

The Sakurazukamori is silent but caresses him one last time that night before turning away, lost in thought.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written because I wanted to answer Subaru’s dilemma regarding Seishirou’s feelings for him and at the same time, reveal some sort of standing for Subaru’s future involvement with Kamui, without playing one relationship against the other. 
> 
> My knowledge of philosophical debate isn’t great, I’m aware, but I hope you liked this piece despite how short it was! Do let me know. This was originally on my tumblr and I shared it here as I figure out this site's workings, but will begin posting newer pieces in the near future. Please do bear with me until then. :) Thank you for your readership and support!


End file.
